Martha's Story...
The alarm bell bellowing at 8.00 to let me know life is ready for me, but i have been awake for 2 hours already... jeeze wouldn't it be good to be one of those people who can just fall asleep whenever wherever! Get to sleep late, interrupted sleep and waking up at the crack of dawn. Oh to the joy of insomnia.
My dad could fall asleep on a clothes line! As i roll to the other side i let out a painful groan, it feels like i've done ten rounds with frank bruno and lost... Ahh well i thought it'd be too much of an ask for my bones not to feel like the chewing toy of whoever's wicked plan for me this is! I mean i have it good, my friend suzy can't even get up all day everyday in darkness metaphorically and literally staring at the same four walls, hoping tomorrow will bring a miracle.
I count to three slowly preparing myself the task of sitting up and getting out of bed, every part of me aches and seethes as i do the devilish thing of wanting to start my day. It actually feels like i have a little devil inside of me willing my life to fade away, losing grip and falling deeper into it's clutches. I won't let it win, it won't defeat me. i have dreams you see, big ones at that... New york, paris maybe even Tokyo... the world better be prepared for me ay.
I'm up, woohoo victory until i have to walk that is, my legs feel like they have the weight of sledge hammers. My brain willing me to bound around my room, my legs like in sinking sand refusing to move until i force them to set off of the meter journey to outside my door. Bum shuffle, bum shuffle, bum shuffle down the 11 steps breaking between each one becoming more and more out of breath.
Eventually I get down the steps of doom and head towards the living room.
What's today's plan I wonder need to judge this carefully, Suzy wants me to go to hers tonight but if I go there then I won't be able to go out for the wheel I promised mum. Truth be told I feel like I could sleep for about a gazillion years but doing nothing wouldn't help me or my anxiety or so I'm told! Told by everyone that's meant to know what's best for me, thats another thing with being ill all the choices get taken out of your hands really. No control, no say just decisions made for you all thanks to the devil.
The little bugger cropped up about four years ago bug after bug weeks off school at a time and then that's when it came glandular fever hit me hard and so my invisible enemy set on its quest of my white blood cells, my identity, my life.
When I was little I hated school, always wanted to be at home. Now I'd give anything to learn my 2x tables in mrs partridges class. My education went out of the window, 11 GCSE's down to 3. Better than none ay, that's what they keep saying. "After all you've been through, 3 is amazing."
"Yeah." I'd say plastering on a smile, then why doesn't this feel a victory then?
Although when I was in hospital, the worst time yet i didn't think I was gonna get any or out of there. I was tube fed, unable to walk and just in a pretty bad place. But i eventually i got there, and got out managing to take my few GCSE's. Too many people don't manage to get any, not even sit up in their bed i'd say I am pretty damn lucky! I wondered what it would of been like if I went to prom; I'd dream for years finding the perfect dress the perfect shoes, the perfect tiara, the perfect night. I never got there but went round to Lucy's before she went, she looked so beautiful and made me feel so included. What can I say I have one hell of a best friend there, standing by me through it all even when she had no idea what it is that was wrong with me. Even to this day our friendship is as strong as ever. In a way I think we're stronger if your not compatible then the hundreds of days where you have to sit around doing nothing would get pretty boring but it doesn't. Test of true friendship id say, she doesn't treat me any different still shouts at me if I'm being silly and lets me know when I need to snap out of whatever rut I've put my thoughts in and in return I know how to give her a bit of a hard time too shall we say... Through the years there's been PLENTY laughs and tears! There's so many tests in life and friendship is a test that is truly worth passing.
I need to finish Zara's post off too she was meant to get it about a month ago but with my hands playing on strike not managed to get that for. I do love post from my friends since joining a M.E based support network, we send it to each other to cheer us up. And it certainly does. Maybe tomorrow that's my philosophy and so whatever is not accomplished today will be successfully completed tomorrow I hope. Only so many spoons us m.e folk as we call it; a devision of energy per day and if we go over into tomorrows spoon well then that's less spoons for tomorrow. There's no top up with the devil. Although sometimes there's false deals, a promise of a little more energy which is never really true just a ticking time bomb of false adrenalin ready for you to crash and burn so to speak.
Anyway off for a bath, or what I call the dignity taker, every time the water empties its more like a little bit more dignity down the drain rather than water. Having help to get in and out of the bath, washing my hair wasn't the life I dreamed of. More like 10 minute showers rushing to get ready for the day of college and then meal with the girls ahead.
I catch the looks every now and then from my parents the looks of pain, of sorrow of seeing their daughter like this. What gets to me the most is if you look hard enough you can see the reflections of the childhood I had lost not only that I had dreamt of but they had too.
The amount of stories I've read and heard off health care professionals and countless people that class m.e as a bit of tiredness, have a bit of a rest then you'll be fine. Or that it's all in your head and your simply lazy, if only they knew if only they saw Suzy in her bed crying herself to sleep, the curtains drawn in the middle of the day because the natural daylight is too much for her to take. Or me struggling to cut up my food, my bones shaking so hard their own symphony of pain and exhaustion.
Last week coming home from my friend Betsy's, I could feel the devil taunting me letting me know I'd done too much by going to see her and watching a movie. I should of listened to it all day I felt bad but I thought I'd be fine when I got there that the change of scenery would do me good. I could of cried on the spot, it took everything I had no to yell, cry and crumble into a heap all at once. Even that seemed too much energy at the moment, all I wanted was my bed and the hope of tomorrow. It hurt to be touched, I felt electric but not in a good way, one touch and I'd be in for a shock. The noise so magnified it felt like my head was ready to implode. Even moving a finger was an ask, crawling because my legs had given up each shuffle a painful reminder that my
Life was not normal, I wasn't normal.
Me and mum head out on our little journey into maple village, me all set with my camera getting ready to capture the world from an eye that could only see beauty. Being ill really does make you appreciate the little things in life as corny as it sounds. A nice summer day, the smell of fresh cut roses as im wheeled past a florist. An hour of respite just as long as its a quiet walk and my back can withhold sitting up for that long. I never really have believed in luck but every time we set off on a trip out I know it's a lottery if I'll pay the price when I get back.
Heading home knowing the excruciating pain the trip out will bring almost leaves a bitter sweet taste in my mouth. As we reach the front door I just pray it won't bring me a world of payback.
So many amazing memories even since being ill meeting so many wonderful people. It's so good to speak to people who know how your feeling, who comfort you and let you know you'll get there and so will they, with you by there side. I could just sit for hours on end looking at my photo wall and post because even when I feel so alone it's let me know I'll never will be. These people, my best friends are my life and my family too they make me never give up even on this undecided jail sentence. There support is invaluable and I really hope they know how much they mean to me. Wouldn't be able to get through a day of it with them.
Sleep now, sleep now, sleep now giving my unconscious mind the signal to allow me to sleep so I'm ready for the weekly dose of tv entertainment tonight. Gotta love Britains got talent, all sorts of people all going head to head to be called the nations biggest talent. I dont know why it entertains me so much, I mean a tone deaf grannie singing 'I will survive' doesn't get more redicuous than that. I have to give her some admiration though, at least she believes in the words she's singing. At least she has the courage to never give up and live out the dreams for a better tomorrow. After all isn't that what we're all doing silently in our everyday lives?... <3
 |
| Your own little jail everyday. |
No comments:
Post a Comment